NBA Off-Season Winnerz & Loserz

I feel like this concept--off-season winners and losers--is the most saturated idea that comes with the rise of the NBA off-season, a rise I discussed on my podcast earlier this week. Where there is activity in the League, there--apparently--is the need for talk and incessant debate and this topic creates just that. Having said that, I do think it's still important to affirm those teams that have done a terrific job this off-season, as it is equally important to patronize those franchises and individuals that are operating with the IQ of a toddler. Without further ado, my 2017 NBA off-season champs and chumps.

WINNERZ

1. China-Klay-- When the NBA season ended and summer began, Klay Thompson was ready. The Splash Brother went to China and immediately got to channeling his inner Dirty Dancing having the time of his life. Whether dunking and falling flat on his back, eating quite hot Chinese food, arm wrestling, having a ball at late-night dance clubs, or doing whatever this is, Klay has been living it up this summer. And why not? He's 27, a two-time NBA champ, one of the best shooters in NBA history, and on a team primed to sit on its thumbs for the next nine months and still be considered the most elite team in the NBA. Klay Thompson is winning.

2. Banana Boat Salesmen-- When the offseason really got cranking and all the "Lebron to LA" starting gaining some traction, along with that talk there came the talk of him teaming up in the wasteland of current Los Angeles hoops currently complacent with a middling Clips team and a hopefully-good-within-a-few-years Lakers. So then we started envisioning Lebron-Melo-CP3-and DWade in LA (for either team)...and Atlanta...and Washington...or Chicago...or really anywhere with the cap space and the desire to pay four over-30 superstars absolutely way too much money. And any time we think of these four, we think of this. I was explaining the Banana Boat concept to my dad recently, because it is now a very real thing in our lexicon.Let's just say, for you aspiring banana boat salesman out there, I really think the Sacramento Kings could do some incredible bonding on a trip that included this bad boy.

3. Blake Griffin-- Let's see: gets to stay in LA? Check. Gets to continue frequenting comedy clubs in LA, performing in some? Check. Gets to bathe in the tremendous riches his salary entails? Check. No longer has to deal with Chris Paul's bulldog mentality? Check! Therefore might get to clown around with DJ more? Check!! And he may get to run some point guard next year if Doc Rivers ever stops tripping over his own nepotism?? Check and check!

4. Bosh/Duncan/Kobe/KG-  These guys are GOATs and not just for their basketball pedigrees over the last 20 years. They got out right as the Warriors began their meteoric rise to conquering all of humanity! Genius! Coupled with that, Bosh got paid for not really being able to play basketball again and the Spurs seem to have faltered a bit and now seem "vincible" without Duncan. Also, KG's leadership role in the Twolves front office shaped the current team (trending upward) today in a way and he's worked with Thon Maker to help develop his game and Maker shows promise for an up-and-coming, new-age, lanky-limbed NBA team. As for Kobe, he's in the musecage so good for him. In retrospect this group should have been higher on the list.

5. Kentavious Caldwell-Pope-- KCP was on the verge of striking out this offseason, but then his agents (also connected to Lebron James, hmm) helped him ink a massive payday (he'll play for 18 million American dollars next season) and set him up to be a free agent again next summer. KCP also got to document the signing with a Insta pic with Bron-Bron, and he's setting the stage for a Banana Boat team-up in Hollywood next season in which he may or may not be asked to stick around. Good onya, Kentavious!

LOSERZ

5. Tanner Ainge-- There was a moment during this NBA off-season when the Celtics seemed as if they might lose out on signing Gordon Hayward because Danny Ainge's son and potential Utah state congressman, Tanner Ainge, did not want Hayward to leave. Now, Hayward left after all, Thanksgiving will be awkward in the Ainge household, and people in Utah might be upset with the younger Ainge (again, an aspiring Utah congressman and therefore with no say in the NBA) and hold him responsible for the loss of the Boy Wonder. Also, the Jazz won't be as good next year. That plot's more TV than anything on House of Cards.

4. Avery Bradley--The man says he's going to restore Deeeee-troit basket-ballllll. Jury's still out.

3. Woj--Adrian Wojranowski seemingly trained his protege too well. Shams Charania has been making his money this off-season breaking onto the scene while breaking news before Woj can beat him to it--to the point where people were coming up with nicknames for Shams' tweets a la "Woj-bombs." Then, there was that moment when Woj clearly hadn't found his way around the ESPN offices yet so he ended up in the background of someone else's interview. Also, ESPN is a sinking ship so there's that. Alas, Woj was able to change his podcast's name (a very good pod) from "The Vertical Podcast with Adrian Wojranowski" to "The Woj Pod." That's a win in itself.

2. Anthony Davis-- AD was once thought of as the next generational talent to grace the National Basketball Association. We were so enamored when he entered the League. These days, he spends his time wasting away in New Orleans playing with a maybe-headcase in DeMarcus Cousins (playing essentially the same position) and a confirmed-headcase in Rajon Rondo. Poor, Brow.

1. Dan Gilbert-- On June 26, 2003, Dan Gilbert was gifted with perhaps the second-best basketball player in the history of the world in Lebron James. On July 8, 2010, Lebron James ditched the Cleveland Cavaliers, prompting Gilbert to write this. Then, on July 11, 2014 Lebron announced via Sports Illustrated (in a move fit for the Players Tribune before the Players Tribune) that he would be returning to Gilbert's Cavaliers. Next July, Lebron will again be a free agent, and Dan Gilbert might lost him A SECOND TIME. Fool me once (and lose maybe the greatest player of all time) shame on you. Fool me twice (and lose maybe the greatest player of all time--AFTER HE'S WRITTEN A HEARTFELT LETTER ANNOUNCING HIS RETURN TO PRACTICALLY THE PLACE WHERE HE WAS BORN) and shame on you, you incompetent fool.